Element 119

I have opened my door

I let in an element 

It came in floating, 

a gleaming orb of golden light

*

It was captivating, 

will-bending, soul filling

Volatile 

Volatility built into its composition

*

It has changed me deeply 

Permanently

Streaked my genetic make up 

with golden strands of DNA

Entered every corner of my soul

Brought life to my bones

*

Yet it has also unravelled me 

piece by piece 

It has stripped me of the chance 

to ever live comfortably 

*

Its volatile nature reaches my fingertips

Every time I hold the door open 

I feel it build up in my heart 

pour out through my tears

*

Singeing me like flames

When I tell it that it can stay

*

I am permeable to peace

But seal in sorrow

I cleave to courage

But hemorrhage heartache 

I am comforted but not comfortable 

*

When I wish to leave

The drive to go in deeper 

always pushes me

When my hands get burned

I keep them in longer

When I’m healed 

I seek the injury

*

This element is wild

But not disorderly  

It brings with it duality 

It is peace and unrest

Reward and sacrifice

Stability and uncertainty 

Draining and filling

*

I want it to end

To close the door, but I can’t

*

Even in the midst of the valley

I look forward to the next summit 

Even though I know I’ll cross both 

Tundra and dessert 

Water and flame

*

Even in my burn out

My convictions are burned in 

Like a branding on my heart

The shallow layers of skin are burnt up

what perseveres are the eternal matters

*

I opened my door to an element

*

This element

More valuable than gold

More essential than oxygen

Stronger than steel

Yet softer than lithium 

*

Volatile by nature

*

This element is

Life and death

Fulfillment and wanting

This element is 

Love

It is foster care

***************************************************

What does it feel like to be a foster parent? It feels like sometimes wishing you never  started because now you can never see things the same. Now you know the kids, the struggles, the families and you can’t un-know them. It feels like looking at all your peers achieving the expected milestones, living safe behind closed doors and wishing for the same but knowing you cannot. You cannot close the door. You can’t because you always wonder who else might walk in and who you may be leaving out if you close the door. It’s like being disembodied, like your heart is not in your chest but “out there” and you are drawn to find it. It feels like a calling. 

There are 118 known elements that make up our reality, our planet and our bodies but there is one more. One more element you can choose to let into your life, one more element that will do more to build you than anything else could. 

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